i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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