They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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