I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
