Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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