the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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