I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
