Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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