the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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