I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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