Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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