im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
