lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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