the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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