sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
