I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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