i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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