i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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