I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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