Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need a beard to bite.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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