So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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