i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
