Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
