I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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