dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
