The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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