please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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