"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
