wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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