Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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