did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize