I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
