She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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