She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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