he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
