I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
