you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drake has all the answers
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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