Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
