we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
