I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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