WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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