This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
third nipple confirmed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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