I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
