guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
