Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
this hospital has no fireball
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
