so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
