Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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