I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
