I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
