Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
