When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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