I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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