Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
