If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
