I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
